Identity Crisis

Screen Shot 2018-04-29 at 8.45.40 PMTuesday, April 17
Today, I want to be healthy. In preparation I research fitness bloggers on YouTube, write down some workouts, buy a food scale, and download a macro-counter app. 1527 calories. 113 protein. 139 carb. 58 fat. I don’t know the first thing about tracking my food, but I’m determined to shrink. The dress-code at work is lax, so I go for a athletic, but casual look because I don’t care about whether or not the people in the office will stare at me today. I’m focused on bettering myself. Tomorrow, at 7PM UK time, there’s a new Gym Shark collection launching, so I set my alarm for 1 PM the next day and continue to browse their website. I’m going to need some new sports bras for this journey.

Wednesday, April 18
Today, I want to be cute. Sunshiney, if you will. Everybody’s dream. I wake up early to curl my hair, I raid my closet for the perfect sundress, and I keep my makeup light, pink, and casual. I worry that the dress might be too short for work, but I know people will stare today so the shorter the better. I forgot to pack a lunch because I spent the morning curling my hair, so I strut towards the kitchen, smiling at everybody as I pass, dress billowing behind me, and I make a sandwich. I don’t know what the macros are for this slice of bread, or this mayo, or turkey, but Hilary walked into the kitchen and complimented my dress so I know I’m doing something right. My alarm goes off at 1 PM, I turn it off, walk back to my desk, and eat my sandwich with a smile.

Thursday, April 19
Today, I’m into Anime. I’m the geek-girl of every nerdy persons’ fantasy. I wake up wondering whether I should wear my Kirby shirt, or my Marvel pullover. Infinity War is coming out soon, so I decide on the pullover in hopes that it’ll spark some workplace conversation. My earbuds pour out KPOP on my walk to work and when I arrive, I keep my head down. I walk to the kitchen at lunch time and make another sandwich. I feel a pang of guilt knowing I should be bringing my lunch so I can use my food scale to track my macros, but Scott just walked into the kitchen and asked me if I was seeing Infinity War. At the end of the day, I play Super Smash with some of the guys at work. I’m sure to let them know I watch Anime, too.

Friday, April 20
Today, I want to scare people. I want to be intimidating. The fucked up girl people only see in television shows. I wake up later than usual because there’s free breakfast at work today. I do my makeup dark. Thick black wings, black eye shadow, fake eyelashes, bold lip. I put on black skinny jeans, my black leather jacket and my combat boots. This time, my pop punk playlist is blaring and when I arrive to work I walk into the kitchen, head help up high, staring straight ahead, trying to look as mean as possible. I get in line for the breakfast and think to myself “maybe you should smile,” but Tom just sparked up a conversation and because I’m new to this town and it’s Friday night, I pray it’s an invitation to hang out. I make it known that I like to drink and oh, Tom, I love drugs, too!

Saturday, April 21
Today, I’m too lazy to get out of bed. I didn’t go out last night, but I don’t want to move. I wait until it’s lunch time to order delivery and flip on my TV. I watch people of all kinds live their best lives through movies, television shows, and YouTube channels. 12 hours straight. I order dinner. I don’t brush my teeth. I think about all the stuff I want to be doing. I write. I yearn. Something inside me shatters. I think about who I’m going to be the next day.

xox, Kait


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