A Look Through My Camera Roll

Let’s meander through my camera roll!

This year, I moved to Washington, D.C. at the start of the new year (as you know if you’ve been actively following me), and I thought I’d show you what I’ve been up to since then! As well as provide some updated pictures of myself, cause, ya know, ya girl’s going through some changes aka continuously gaining weight, breaking out, and forgetting to wear her Invisalign 🙂 🙂

Fair warning: I haven’t been up to much. Hover for captions!

Share with me some of your favorite pictures on your camera roll from the start of the new year! I’d love to see what everyone else has been up to.

xox, Kait


What I’ve Been Watching

For some reason, I don’t feel like talking about myself (for once). I know it’s my blog and I guess I could categorize it as a lifestyle blog, but do you guys ever feel the same? Like you’re just….. talking about yourself too much? On your own blog? Strange.


Since I’ve moved to Washington, D.C. I’ve had a lot of free time on my hands. I’m having a hard time making friends, and I’ve got a great set up with a comfy couch and a nice flat screen TV. So, basically, I’ve been watching a lot of Netflix (I don’t have cable). For lack of inspiration, I thought I’d share with you some of the awesome stuff I’ve been watching. It’s not essentially a review, just me screaming about current obsessions.


I started off with this one and honestly, it took me a while to get into; and by a while, I mean two episodes, but I know many people who would’ve stopped there so this is my warning to NOT do that. The show is incredibly interesting, captivating, and tackles matters not typically seen in regular crime TV. It takes place in the 70s, and the main character is working with a team to write a dissertation about why serial killers do what they do. The end game is to see if they can diagnose this behavior in people before they get violent. But it really dives into the minds of these criminals (actual serial killers! but played by actors) and goes so deep into psychological behaviors, it’s actually chilling. Definitely hard to watch at times, but you learn a lot about serial killer history, and, of course, all of the main characters have background stories and romances you’ll want to keep following.


Oh. My. Goodness. This is 100% my new favorite show. If you like Stranger Things, this show makes it look like a joke. It will blow you away. It is very Stranger Things-esque, which is why I bring it up in the first place, but a lot more… advanced? It’s in German (watch subs not dubs) and, without giving too much away, revolves around time travel in this eerie town called Winden. That’s all I’m going to say. Just watch it.

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Everything Sucks!
I was very skeptical about this show at first because it reminded me of an off-brand Freaks and Geeks, but by the second episode I, once again, couldn’t stop watching. It’s semi-typical, taking place in the 90s, about 15 year olds just trying to figure out who they are. The main character, and AV club “geek” falls in love with a girl who is struggling with her sexuality, while getting bullied by the drama club. Soon, the AV club teams up with drama club to make a film and the relationships that start to form are very genuine. The characters are so tangible, it’s easy to feel a connection to all of them. I will say, though, that this show GOES THERE. So much secondhand embarrassment.

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Queer Eye
You’ve probably all seen Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, but this revamp is EVERYTHING to me. In case you don’t know, it’s essentially just about 5 gay guys helping (usually straight) men redefine their lives. They give them makeovers, re-do their homes, provide a wardrobe change, and give them the confidence to be themselves. I’ve learned a lot about life from this show. Lighthearted, hysterical, emotional, I crack up and bawl during every episode. I’ve fallen in love the Queer Eye boys and I’m not looking back.

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End of the F***ing World
I liked this show. It was very fucked up, but I liked it. Two misunderstood children with poor home lives running away and breaking A LOT of rules (I mean, they kill a man, so). It gave me a very Bonnie & Clyde feel and at first I think I was a little intimidated by it but the ending was absolutely perfect. It’s a quick, 8 episode, 20 minutes each show, so check it out! But watch Dark first, no seriously.

Like I said, just wanted to scream about some shows with you guys. If you have any recommendations please let me know because I’ve almost exhausted my Netflix options! Have a great weekend.

xox, Kait


Blog · Creative Writing

But It’s Fine, I Swear, It Wasn’t That Bad

Because we tend to diminish our experiences:

On January 27th, I attended the Women’s March in D.C. and watched with amazement,
pride, and awe as the women around me marched and fought for what the women
before us have achieved and the work there is still left to do. I’d never attended such an
event before, and was completely enraptured by the ‘togetherness’ of it all. Around me,
there on the Lincoln Memorial, were people of all ethnicities and ages coming together
to achieve a common goal that has been and continues to be long overdue.

For the silent marchers, there were signs held displaying a notice for the world to see,
raised high in the sky, the clouds acting as a backdrop for the fury. Several of these
messages held rage against the president, and others contained love for one another.
But the most common of them all held a very simple kind of text, a timely statement, a
hashtag: #MeToo.

The #MeToo movement has ignited a flame in people that has been burnt out far too
many times. It’s empowered us and fueled a conversation that has desperately needed
to be had. The eyes of the ignorant were starting to open and as our claims were
starting to be taken seriously, the perpetrators were finally being held accountable. Most
of them, at least.

When the Aziz Ansari story broke out, I felt a slight shift in the movement. Twitter and
other social media outlets alike were buzzing with skepticism; people claiming we are
“taking this too far” and “deeming almost everything as sexual assault.” The story
bothered me, too, for reasons I couldn’t pin down until I read a blog post titled “Not That
Bad” written by a woman named Katie on her blog katykatikate, my favorite thing I’ve
read this past week, and it finally made sense.

The piece tackles the uneasiness that came with Grace’s story about Ansari. It didn’t
hold back and it didn’t make light of a situation that so many were calling exactly what
the title states. The story left me with chills as the author pushed the monstrosity of the
problem: the commonality of it all. Ansari’s behavior is something that every girl has
encountered. It’s so normal, that even we who have been through it fail to categorize it
as assault, but instead normalize the situation, which only brings us back to square one.

When I read the expose on Ansari, I fell victim to this very thought process. I thought,
“well, this has happened to me, but I wouldn’t call it sexual assault.” I felt defensive,
vulnerable, and more than anything; I felt exposed. “Not That Bad” opened my eyes to
why these emotions were pulsing through me and refused to cease. It validated all of
those icky feelings I’ve had on the way home from what I thought was just an
uncomfortable encounter, and reassured me that I don’t need to diminish my
experiences with: “But it wasn’t that bad!” Because it was. It really was.

xox, Kait

I applied to be a contributing writer for the New York Times and this was the piece I submitted as a sample. As it is a very timely topic, I thought I’d share!


Dating Somebody With Extreme Anxiety

*This is kind of a rant, will edit soon*

This post has been done before. We’ve all read the BuzzFeed articles: “What It’s Like Dating Somebody With Anxiety,” “8 Things I’ve Learned When Dating Somebody With Anxiety,” etc. etc. I’m unoriginal, this is nothing new.

But my goal is to get down the real nitty gritty. The heartbreaking, earth shattering stuff nobody tells you about. Warning: it’s not romantic.

I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for a little over a year. I’ve known him for a while, but we hit it off in November. The 5th, to be specific. It was easier back then when we were just casual, so he says, but I suppose I know what he means. I guess it’s always easier when you’re not fully committed to a person because it means less responsibility. But I kept pushing. I wanted more. And so it was.

I’m not going to go further into our history, or how it was a year ago, I’m going to just dive right into the ‘now’ and tell you what I’ve learned, seen, done, and experienced from our relationship.

As you might expect, it hasn’t been easy. A lot of his anxiety stems from him being unsure of the future. He doesn’t see himself marrying me, so he’s anxious because he thinks we’re wasting our time. He wants to study in Germany, so he’s anxious we’re dating now for nothing. He thinks he’s holding me back from finding somebody better, so he’s anxious I’m missing out on somebodt else. He essentially has my heart in his hands, so he’s anxious about breaking it. Too much responsibility, as I mentioned before, and it hurts because these are things we then have to talk about.

What I mean is, we’ve only been dating for less than a year. Not many people see themselves marrying the person they’re with at 23, whom they’ve only known a little while. You date, decide you want to get married later down the road, and then get married. But to hear straight up “I don’t see myself marrying you,” when I’m sure it’s what most people think but don’t actually say at this stage, is a little rough. To have him worrying about that now, worries me. To have him saying I need to find somebody better, worries me. To have him seeing this relationship as “too much responsibility” and something to be anxious over, worries me. His anxiety is giving me anxiety and I keep thinking over and over to myself: why can’t he better for me?

But I know it’s not that simple.

So there we have the “future anxieties,” now let’s move on:

Everything has to be in a particular order. I can’t put my dirty phone on his bed. I can’t throw out my gum in his trash can because it will attract critters. I have to put the seat down when I’m done using the bathroom. Eat over the sink to avoid crumbs. Eat my Oreo in one bite instead of two. And when I forget to do these things, I trigger his anxiety. Which in turn, makes me believe I’m just not the right person for him. That I’m doing everything wrong and that he could find somebody better who caters to his anxieties more successfully than I do.

I guess me being extremely insecure, doesn’t make us a great fit.

Moving on:

I’ve never seen somebody obsessively clean and tidy up as constantly as he does. He can’t eat food with his hands. Every social interaction has to be planned and if I do it wrong, he’ll think about it for days. Just last week we were at a concert and we sat in the wrong seats, knowingly, because they were better.  He said: “If the people who actually have these seats show up, let’s pretend we didn’t realize.” I agreed, but when they did show up I panicked and immediately said “I’m sorry, we’re in your seats.” The same time he said “Oh we didn’t know!” And the whole concert was entirely ruined because I didn’t follow the plan and made him feel awkward and anxious. My fault. It usually is.

It’s complicated. He assures me it isn’t my fault, that it’s just his anxiety, and that it would be present with any girl he’s with, not just me, but I can’t help but feel like there might be someone more compatible for him out there. And so I’m starting to sound like him.

I do my best to cater to his anxieties. Despite all of this, I love him dearly. Just today, I spent the entire day arguing with him over something I did wrong that made him anxious. And in between getting yelled at and him talking of a breakup, I managed to fix it. But what do I do when catering to his anxieties makes him anxious?

He’s worried that I’m kidding myself. That no right-minded person would let him put them through what he’s been putting me through. That I can’t really love someone who makes me this insecure. That we’re incompatible. That I’m not really happy. That I let him walk all over me.

I’m damned if I do, and damned if I don’t. All I want to do is be the light at the end of the tunnel for him, but it’s hard. It’s really, really hard.

That’s all I want to say.

xox, Kait


I miss my comfort zone…

My nails are chipped, my mascara nervously picked off, my stomach fat, and my hair pristine in the hopes that washing and blow drying it everyday will somehow boost my confidence. Everything is off. Everything is not okay.

“In order to be truly happy, you need to step out of your comfort zone,” my ex-colleague said to me, when I was weary about leaving my previous company for a new opportunity. She said her biggest regret was never having the confidence to get off of Long Island and live somewhere else even if just for a little bit. She said it still haunts her today.

When she said that to me, in the moment, it made perfect sense. And I’m sure you reading this now could agree; new experiences are essential when it comes to growing as a person, finding yourself, learning about the world, and ultimately, finding happiness in this life. Obviously. Of course it is. But my question is: why does it have to be so damn hard?

I’m happy here in D.C., I am, but like I said, it’s been hard. Really, really hard.

When I first left home for college back in 2012, I had (almost) the same feeling. The first week was so awful, I derived a plan to transfer to the community college back at home by the time my freshman year was up. I cried, I wrote angsty blog posts on my Tumblr, I complained to my mom; the whole bit. Eventually, it did get better. Like for everybody else, college became one of the most surreal experiences to date. But this is different. Everybody in college was in the same boat; actively looking to make friends and fit in, but here it’s not like that at all.

I feel incredibly out of place. I’m having an extremely hard time making friends. I don’t feel confident in myself. I don’t feel comfortable in my surroundings. I feel hopeless, full of doubt, self-loathing, and embarrassment. If this is what “stepping out of your comfort zone” feels like, I want back in.

I can keep telling myself it’ll get better, like it did in college, but not only was it a different situation back then; I was a different person, too. I wasn’t awkward, easily embarrassed, or nearly as insecure about myself as I am now. Back then, I could walk up to a group of people and make lifelong friends within minutes. Now? I cower at the group of girls here at work who are already the best of friends. I cower at the work I’m assigned to do because I don’t think I’m good enough to complete the tasks correctly and efficiently. I cower at my managers. I just. Cower.

And I don’t know when or how I got like this.

xox, Kait


Happy Snow Day!

It’s kind of fantastic how almost nothing changes when the chances of a snow day are looming over a frigid, January morning. I awoke this morning, anxious, frantically checking my email in the hopes of message from HR; “The office is closed today. Stay warm and safe!” And I was suddenly transported to those same, fidgety mornings in high school, where I awaited the same exact message, but in the form of a phone call.

When it comes to work, I’m not normally one to find excitement in missing a day. I work hard and I enjoy walking into the office, connecting with colleagues, and contributing as much as possible. I know I preach about this a great deal, but the most rewarding feeling is giving back to a world that has already given me so much, and a productive day at work gives me that feeling. However, today is a little different.

I’m moving to D.C. on Saturday to start a fellowship, and since I hardly gave myself enough time to get ready (I found out I got the position, and made the decision to take it just in time for me to put my two weeks in) it’s been a stressful couple of weeks. Between finding a place to live, packing, and carefully researching the company and position duties, I’ve hardly had the time to complete one task in totality.

Anyway, besides taking this day to prepare for the big move, it was important to spend some time writing this, and connecting with you all once again. Inspiration has been put on the back burner ever since my job hunt began (as I’ve been focusing all of my energy into my career lately) and I’m still working on a healthy balance. I hope everybody is doing well, and for all of you on the east coast; Stay warm and safe!

xox, Kait